3 Secrets to Calming a Loved One

You are married with two teenagers and you come home from work to find your spouse UPSET!  You do not know what has happened and you can not understand what happened from the words that you hear; but from the face and tone; someone is in trouble and you hope it is not you.

Calming loved one
Here are 3 Secrets I learned after thirthy-eight years of marriage, on how to calm a loved one. First, let me give you 3 Things NOT to do or say.
1) Don’t say: Calm down – that is the same as raising the volume button.
2) Don’t say: Who did what – you are expected to know those answers.
3) Don’t answer your phone, before resolving the crisis: That is like throwing kerosene on an open fire.
Got it? Ok, now to the secrets…
1) Be silent and move in – slowly close in and and touch them softly, not patting. Just a gentle, yet firm hand on their arm, shoulder or back. Now, you may have to do this a few times, if they are a pacer; but when they realize you are “with them” and that you are patiently supporting them; calm will have an entrance.
2) Let them talk – when they begin to “look at you” and talk, let them. Give supportive nods or affirmative short answers like, “I had no idea” or “I am here.”  You know your spouse, give the affirming words that they want to hear, but be honest and let them talk.
3) Allow them to be part of the resolution – we all want someone to “save the day” when we are upset, but we know that is short time. What we really want is someone that will “reason with us” to bring long term solutions. When the “steam” value is done and your spouse is relaxed, ask them to help you find a way for this to not happen again; or at least less often. Tell them you can not do it alone, because you can’t. Marriage is all about “together.”
These secrets worked for me, but they may not work for you. It is my desire to inspire you to discover your own secrets to calming your love one.  You will know them, if you give it thought. What is one of your secrets?

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